CAPTAIN'S LOG

CAPTAIN’S LOG
STARSHIP: GENERATION X

Roger A. Davis

We took off last night from our last mission’s location. We were swept into a black hole and were carried and thrown toward Earth. All people on board seem to have gone through a transformation. There is a sense that all things have become new. Our bodies collectively feel young and invigorated. So, the date log is being entered new.

DAY 1 OF EVERMORE

I, Captain Rogers, the oldest of the crew, seem to have gone through the biggest change. As you know from recent past episodes, I had been attacked by aliens. I wrecked space transporters and there were malfunctions during beaming up from abductions. There was a loss of some of my cognitive and other bodily functions, etc. Well, this has not worsened, but seems to be on the mend.

We are now logging what was decided in our flight deck meeting:

• We have entered a new era of space, time and dimension. We are going where no man or being has ever gone before. It is our mission to take this newness of life to Earth, which we view out of our portals. She is so breathtaking!
• We hope, on landing by transporters or beaming down, we will bring this joy we have for each other and all we experience. We might be surprised since our last visit – Earth itself and its inhabitants may have much to teach us.

CAPTAIN’S LOG
DAY 2 ON STARSHIP X

Yes, we had a small mutiny on board. I am no longer the official captain; just in name. And the crew decided to change the Starship name to just “X.”

I’m pretty much confined to quarters but can receive visitors and, I’m told, an occasional outing. It’s a treat just to go to Sick Bay where they treat me like their dad – nice looking women, though. God, how I like the female body!

Now that’s the kind of planet we should visit; one full of gracious ladies needing us to discover the inner most secrets. I know upon these discoveries, we could do away with much that has caused the galaxies harm.

Well, I have my dreams and I just have to do it in a smaller way. And I do mean smaller – one on one.

CAPTAIN’S LOG
DAY 3 ON STARSHIP X

Since the mutiny, I have not been able to shit. Here in space orbit, it happens because the gravity pull is not the same. But, shit does happen.

Anyway, from past experience, I’ve had some weird encounters – heads, toilets, and with other areas for the disposing of body excrements - but nothing like on Day 3.

Trying to go, but with cramping and only gas, and hoping against needing the dreaded IN-AMA ray gun used on my anus. It always takes two people with special protective clothing for the first shot. You may dispense an alien hoard. This is why you need a back-up. Then they use soap suds on the second round; for what, God doesn’t even know.

Well, thank Pluto’s moons; I had the longest shit in my 60 light years. It just went on and on; and, with singing Hallelujahs, ended with a nightcap of diarrhea.

Knowing everything on the ship is recorded because of the fragile ecosystem, I contacted the Command Desk and asked to make an announcement. Being as I was being – a lamb about my stand down from real authority – they piped it to the whole ship. This is what I said:

“You will be happy to know, your Captain wiped out the whole planet of aliens at 7:50 BM. There were no survivors. There were complications, worst ever, for me. They caused much, much hemorrhoid pain. But, after the duration lasted, much pleasure. And a record was set expelling the dead bodies.

First, waste expulsion clogged up. Special equipment was used before a second attempt. A discussion was also needed. We took a chance and, yes, a plunger became necessary. And then, by two more, until all but clean followed.

As your Captain, I feel it is my duty to inform all now that C Deck is fit for inhabitance again.

One more comment: Please, no congratulatory memorials are necessary. My bleeding asshole says it all.

Good Night and Good B.M. to you of the Starship X!”

CAPTAIN’S LOG
DAY 4 ON STARSHIP X

I spent some of my day reviewing back logs to figure out why I was relieved of my command. I know I put up a fight and had to be restrained by a shot from a phaser gun set at 4.

When they brought me a container from Command Deck today, it included cards, poker chips and pornographic material. I guess I did spend more time on these pursuits, encouraging others in these endeavors, than on our mission projects. But, what the hell, I saved their asses so many times from destruction, etc. I was tired and wanted fun. And it seems that every new recruit coming on board is more gorgeous than the one before … well, the men - not so much.

They took me to the Medical Deck. On examining the phaser burn, “Healed up nicely,” they told me.

Getting used to in-house arrest, I had great evenings of meditating on what’s going to happen in the near future. My son will be a Star Fleet Admiral, where he will practice despotism. They won’t be kicking me around much longer.

Guess I’ll brush off the space dust on this magazine called, Titties Float In Space.

CAPTAIN’S LOG
DAY 5 ON STARSHIP X

Drained, been fighting alien janitorial bathroom workers. It seems rashes of these attacks are happening to many of the Fleet Captains. One factor is age, and others say we are too sure of ourselves.

For two days, they wouldn’t let me into the head. Finally, after my brutal calls of, “Mercy!,” they backed off and I was able to immerse into a meditative state, followed by a rare physical feat of complete control of my bowel movements. I went where no man has gone before.

I signed a peace treaty and gave thanks.